A journey to find myself through the grief. #BellLetsTalk

♥ Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the price of love ♥

Hi, My Name is Kimberley and for many years I wrote a successful blog called Confessions of a Rescue Mom.  In early 2019, it morphed into “Rescue Dog – Mom Confessions” and as much as I tried writing on this website, due to anxiety and grief from losing my heart dog Rolo, I managed to put together a smashing total of 3 blogs! Here I am taking control in 2020; being transparent, writing on my website and ready to get back into the swing of things because I miss it dearly.

If you haven’t met me in me in person before, I could tell you I am an energetic, positive and outgoing person but this past year the outside has not been matching the inside. 2019 was not my year mentally, the loss of Rolo damaged me. I had a lot of ups and downs and still do BUT I am working on learning how to cope with the grief and anxiety.  Personally I had a great year! My job is amazing! I spent so much time with my family and relatives. We went camping, learned how to paddle board, took a memorable trip to Disneyland, went on road trips,  went to Las Vegas for the 5th time, went hiking in Canmore, spent so much time outdoors and had so many other adventures! It was great!

The loss of Rolo has taken a toll on me mentally and since I have not been one for expressing my deep inner thoughts about myself online or even in person. I have decided to START to benefit myself and maybe even someone else. My first step in healing that I contemplated over and over and over was posting a photo online of a book I started reading just a little bit ago (It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok – Megan Devine)  because I didn’t want people to think  I was silly, stupid or over dramatic for being upset about a “dog”.  I know we have the most amazing followers on our social media I dont know why I even doubted it but just one keyboard warrior or troll can always turn something upside down.  Thankfully it was nothing but love, which is what gave me the strength to write this post. Thank you friends. ♥

I want to mention that Rolo was not the first pet I had lost but completely has been the hardest thing I have ever lost.  I believe that when you are the primary caretaker of any special needs animal there is a special bond that you create and when that animal is no longer there, you feel completely lost – your routine gets jumbled.  It was almost 8 years of medications, constant vet appointments, trials and tribulations, seizures, care-taking, cleanups, timers on my cellphone, sleeping on the floor, consoling, planning my day around medication times and special routines that were my normal. I still feel lost some days.

Let’s talk about my Grief & Anxiety;
People experience it in many different ways! It is a natural response to death. For myself it has been a roller coaster and no day is ever the same.   Most of the time my life is completely normal but there are the days  or even a part of the day where I feel numb or the complete opposite; emotional,I can be irritable, get agitated at the smallest things, become forgetful or just feel pain from him not being here.  I have found myself avoiding phone calls or taking peoples text messages wrongly especially when they dont answer.  Over indulging in food eased the pain which lead to weight gain and just leaving me feeling horrible and disgusted about myself. I get really hard on myself, overthink situations and become overwhelmed and it tires me out despite the constant smile on my face and the pep in my step because I have always been the one to keep it together, be strong and be there for others. This is all so new to me and I’m just here, trying to figure out how to make my life easier, work on myself and get back on track to where I was.

I lost MYSELF.  I let myself go after Iost Rolo and I didn’t even know it until I seen a photo of myself from the summer and didn’t believe the person I had morphed into. I was rewarding myself at every corner store, grocery shop and Starbucks to numb the pain because treats taste delicious. In September I got a head start on my new years resolution and joined the gym(Macisland) with childcare. That way I had no excuse to back out and guess what! That hour in the gym 5-6 times a week is my treat! I feel strong. I feel happy. I feel excited! Although I find myself coming across a lot of anxiety at the gym, I am working on it.

I lost my DRIVE and my PASSION.  I loved writing for my blog! It brought so much joy to my life. I found myself having so many ideas for great blog posts last year. I would log on start typing in a title – save. Type in a little body – save. Breathing changed. Heart started racing. Done. Log out. This happened an endless amount of times over the year. I managed to get out 3 posts for the entire year!  I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready. Now our social media accounts, I had no problem up keeping those with recycling photos. Sharing what we are up to lately. That was easy. The blog I just couldn’t do.   Do you want to know how many times I have saved this blog post and how long I have been working on it? I started 2 weeks ago and I have revised it 13 times in the 2 weeks.

Another thing that I get caught up with all of the time is the bursts of energy towards adopting another dog. I KNOW that I want to adopt another dog and I know that I am ready. The thing is, I have become quite picky with dogs. I know exactly what I want and that has been quite the problem in finding the “one”.  Sometimes I run out of patience or get my hopes up and then it just doesn’t work out. I have come to terms knowing that  the day will come. If you happen to see a German Shepherd that meets my criteria send me a message! (2+, Must be good around kids and other dogs AND MUST have their ears up – like Rolo. Willing to travel in Alberta)

How can I find myself again?
– Setting weekly goals
– Keeping up with going to the gym
– Eating Healthier but allowing a few indulges here and there
– Read one Positive Quote a day
– Drink more tea less starbucks
– Weekly Visit to the FMSPCA
– 1 Blog post a week!

I am going to close off this blog post with a quote:
It’s time to take care of yourself,

the same way you’ve taken care
of everyone else around you,
cause you deserve all the love
you’ve given to all these people
throughout the years.
So find it in your heart, my dear,
for once, to love yourself too.

social media
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Email: rescuedogmomconfessions@gmail.com

2 thoughts on “A journey to find myself through the grief. #BellLetsTalk

  1. Cara Sue Achterberg says:

    I so get you. I also lost my heart dog in 2019 and still find myself in tears on a daily basis. I’ve stopped talking to other people about it because I know they are tired of my grief (I am too). I did adopt another dog and I love her, but she’s not my Frankie. She needed me and at the time I felt like it was him nudging me to help another dog like him. It did help. She brings me bright moments of joy. But I miss him desperately. Like you, I’ve resolved to make 2020 a better year. I’m working hard on my writing and have jumped in with two feet to start a new initiative through our rescue to shine a light on shelter dogs. I’m trying to be healthy too, but this past year took a toll. I still journal about my boy almost daily but I am trying to move forward. I hope you are too and I look forward to following along.

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